Ugh. Untag me NOW.

Where do I start?  It's been two weeks since my last post.  In classic Robin fashion, I started something then it lost it's luster and I just stopped and escaped into my world of ignorant bliss once again. During this two week hiatus a family wedding took place, which was wonderful.  I was a bridesmaid. I have been dreading seeing the pictures, and today - I saw the first of them posted on facebook. Let's just say I untagged myself immediately because I just don't want to see it, and I don't want anyone else to either.  I want people to only see my pictures from four years ago aka seventy pounds ago. I don't want another reminder of how much weight I have to lose. I don't want face the reality that I am actually a lot bigger than I feel and that I have a lot of work to do - to admit that my weight loss surgery didn't work. I went under the knife with anesthesia, had a doctor put a restrictive plastic band around my upper stomach - and I'm STILL FAT.  STILL after all this time?!  REALLY?

I don't mean for this blog to be a sob story and I'm sure it reads like a "poor me" diary entry, but really my intention is to just put this out there. To share how I am feeling and to possibly relate to other people who may feel the same way.

How do we pull out of this rut? What is it gonna take? Craptastic. This sucks.

Rage RAGE against the dying of the light.....

Holy rage-eriffic. I just attempted to install the kitchen cabinet / drawer locks so baby boy won't drink the lysol or play karate chop with the kitchen knives. EPIC fail.  Holy crap how difficult do they make it?  How the hell am I supposed to contort my arms to fit inside the dang cabinets so that I can actually screw in the stupid locks?  Not to mention trying to balance the teeeeeny tiny little screw on the drill, while holding it vertical, and trying to drill up against gravity.  WTF - now I see why the easy magnet locks are $20 a piece! I'll pay anything to not have to deal with this bullshit right now!  Are they TRYING to drive us mad? Have you ever seen the documentary "Babies"? Well right now...I'd like to be a Mongolian mother who ties her kid up to a post and he's happy as pie sitting buck naked in the dirt with a yak chewing straw two feet away.  Okay not really... but you get what I mean, right?

Craving #1 - Damn You Girl Scouts! Damn You!!!

Okay - so it's not really my first craving.  But it's the first one I'm documenting here on this lovely little blog.  It's 9:10pm - the baby boy is asleep, the musician husband is downstairs working on what else, his music... and I have quiet time.  I have time. This is when craving enters. When the effing thin mints scream at me from across the room "GET IN MY BELLY!".  So powerful I can barely contain it. I can hardly hold myself back from eating that entire box. So... commitment to myself starting today. Late night cravings are getting the kibosh by way of blog. Anytime a non-hungry sugar monster craving wells up inside me I will write.  Write for 10 minutes.  Just get it out.  Sometimes it will be nonsense stream of consciousness bullshiz (let's be honest - most of the time...B.S.) but maybe sometimes I'll have a little open hearted chat with my blogger self, and I may gain some wisdom or some little snippet that may actually stick in my thick sugar laden head.  We shall see....

So - therapist says I should identify the craving - name it and physically try to feel where it is in my body. *Side note - therapist is a new person in my life - she has lost 205 lbs and kept it off for five years.  She specializes in emotional eating - particularly bariatric surgery patients of which I am one.*  So anyways - this craving I have...to just eat sugar sugar any kind of sugar.  Where are you?  Scanning body..and it's my jaw.  I feel that sugar craving in my jaw like no body's business.  Why the jaw?  Must be where I hold stress, definitely where I chew and get that first taste of satisfaction - that first rush after shooting up the sugar. Amazing.  It's a drug.

Don't mind me...I'm just entering into this new journey.  Trying this new thing of actually being in touch with my body, because for the past 18 years - I've ignored her.  I have disassociated her from life, and she has sat along the side lines while my inner 18 year old just eats eats eats whatever she wants because she can. Because it makes her feel free.  Meanwhile.... I'm now 36 and a big girl with high blood pressure, high cholesterol and on the verge of Type 2 diabetes.  Awesome.  Time to kick some ass.

Dear Robin (a letter to my 18 year old self)

I see you behind me, standing along this road of our life.... bumpy, gravel filled, potholes and green lush landscapes rounding each curve.  You wait - 18 years old - insecure, beautiful but you don't know it - an ingenue, ready to try anything, ready to LIVE.  Your favorite word is UNENCUMBERED.  Always will be. You cant chain this blitch down, no sir.  I see you back there...peering forward, wondering what your life will be, what possibilities lie ahead. Career, marriage, motherhood, old age, death peaceful ever after.  You are so pretty, so intelligent, so FUN.  Full of energy, strength and courage. More beautiful than you could ever know.  I look at you there and I love you so so much. You lie in the deepest parts of my heart - you are in my soul - you are who I am at my core, and I want you to come up to me, walk up to my level - join me on this journey called adulthood. I'm a mother now. I'm a wife to a wonderful, kind and loving man, and he's a musician to boot!  I have a career and I own a home. I have FIVE cats, yes FIVE (although I'm not sure I'll repeat that one again).  And I'm overweight.  I am still beautiful - same eyes, same hair, same nose, mouth, lips... but there is definitely some extra padding that wasn't there 18 years ago.  It's okay... I don't hate myself today. I have confidence in my intelligence.  I know I can do anything.  But man, life is so hard.  I cannot explain how difficult it can be - there's so much to do, so much turmoil, so much time passing by so fast you can't catch it. Life is a sieve, and in the end... only the strong, large foundations will be left.  I ask you, dear Robin - 18 years young... to help me.  I need your help getting back on track with my health.  If you can remind me how it feels to have energy and health, I'll help you grow up to meet me here, in a healthy, happy FUN life - right here at our 36th year.  So - it's okay - when you rear your head - when you want to escape, to run, to party and eat and fulfill those cravings. I will help you as well - I will teach you how to be healthy, how to treat your body right... so eventually we can meet and be one again.  We can come together, and be one beautiful, healthy energetic woman. So just stay there, in your 18 year old world... and I will come visit you.  If you want to come visit me - feel free to walk on up.  Let's help each other.  Let's keep the lines open, and open up the possibility for health and self love. We deserve it.  We really do.